interviewing anxiety

September 21, 2013

interviewing anxiety

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photos:
1) first fall leaves
2) low morning sun = long shadows
3) sun bathing student in front of angell hall
4) stunt planes above our house, prior to um vs. notre dame night game
5) no parking signs and construction on madison and fifth, so tired of this endless street project, also for those of you who live near the stadium and want to reserve a place on the street on game days…free no parking signs…madison and fifth people…

the only thing that the photos above have in common with this post, is that both are a glimpse into my life…

I sometimes see certain people in my family avoiding opportunities for fear of failure, or judgment. Oh how well I know that behavior…because, sadly, even at my age, it is often my own behavior. My recent words of support to these certain people include, “What have you got to lose? Worst case you get interview experience. If they offer it to you, you can decide then to turn it down if you don’t want it.”

Of course those words came back to haunt me, as words of wisdom will do.

I have written before about feeling antsy about life and my current job. It is a job many would be grateful for—almost complete autonomy, ridiculous flexibility, lots to do and lots of variety, and feeling like I’m making a difference…. But I’ve been doing it for nine years and sometimes, autonomy can be lonely and the work never finished. Sometimes I want to be part of a thoughtful team of people. I have also been concerned about my program losing funding…there has been a lot of change around these parts.

So I applied for two jobs and got called to interview for both.

This initially made me feel great, until I learned the first interview was going to be 7 vs. 1 for an hour, followed by a 1 vs. 1 with the program director for the next hour. I started to get really nervous. Even more nerve wracking, I found out that 3 of the 7 were people I know professionally, but marginally.

I am not a great interviewer, or at least not a confident interviewer. I have had 4 interviews in the past 15 years and I have been offered every one of the jobs, so I can’t be completely terrible. But I do think my experience and references weighed heavily in all of those cases.

So many negative thoughts went through my head: What if I screwed up? What if I embarrassed myself? They would all know I’m lame.

In the meantime, I was assured that the funding for my program of employment was secure, so I conveniently decided that I really didn’t want a new job. My current job was PERFECT. I would withdraw my application.

But my own words of encouragement started sparring with the negative thoughts, “What have you got to lose?” (my dignity) “Worst case you get interview experience.” (and lose my dignity) If they offer it to you, you can decide then to turn it down if you don’t want it.” (I already know I don’t want it so why lose my dignity?!)

I was very nervous on my walk across campus to my interview, still wondering the whole way, “Why am I putting myself through this?!” And there I was in at the end of a long table packed with people who took turns asking me questions. “What are some examples of reports you’ve written or presentation you’ve given?” “Why do you want this job.” “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?” “How do you currently measure success in your programs?” and so on.

I felt pretty good when that interview finished and so the one-on-one interview with the director felt much more relaxed. When that was over I was walking on air back to my office. I felt elated to have it behind me and to have done so well.

Hours later, and then periodically throughout the week, while in my office, or driving, or making dinner, I would suddenly remember one of my interview answers and cringe. Really? I couldn’t remember one report I’d written? I write many every year.

I answered many questions pretty well, but others…Ah well, I am who I am. Imperfect. Best they know that before they hire me.

I had lunch with my mentor the next day and told him that I didn’t think I wanted the job. But now my reasons were founded. The interview raised some concerns for me, including a concern about too many chiefs and about management styles. I tried to come up with a salary figure that would tempt me to take the job, but I couldn’t. He told me that I’m spoiled, and also that it’s good to be in a position where I can be choosy. I agreed with both statements.

I had a phone interview for the second job the next day and it was incredibly easy in comparison. I was very confident. The job seemed great, one I would have loved, but the salary turned out to be very low; too low for me to take. I had to withdraw from the interview process.

At the end of the week I had a call from the first job, and I was feeling guilty about having to turn them down. I had sent a follow up interview email, as one does, further explaining my excitement for the position, when in reality I had little excitement, and now I was going to have to turn them down.

It turns out I didn’t have to turn them down, because they didn’t offer the job to me! At first I felt relieved, and then…slightly miffed. Haha. Spoiled indeed.

In short long, I feel great that I interviewed, and in particular for a job I didn’t want in the end. Practice is the only way I will get better. I have renewed love for my current job. Also, when I get antsy again (next month?), my resume is updated, my references are primed and I will definitely be more confident for the next interview.

In the past, external job offers have resulted in counter offers and raises for me. But for this position, I wasn’t ready to leave and let my boss know it. I think you can only use external offers as leverage for a raise, when you are really ready to take the outside offer.

It’s a mute point anyway, as I didn’t get the job offer. I know my boss wants me to stay, so maybe I can negotiate something else…classes? meetings with others in the country who are doing similar work as me…maybe I’ll work on this when I return from my week-long visit to my sister in Seattle….ah flexibility.

Another great outcome from this adventure is that I have more credibility with my loved ones when I tell them they have nothing to lose by interviewing, and I have much more compassion for the anxiety and self-doubt they experience as they approach seemingly scary opportunities.

a look back at spring

September 16, 2013

a look back at spring

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photos:
1) hand shadow holding a petal in michigan league courtyard
2) table shadow in michigan league courtyard
3) looking out through the courtyard wall
4) one of my favorite doorways on campus, at the dental school, i should photograph it at night
5) stenciled near the power center (i googled the date and I think this must refer to the uc davis police pepper spray attack on occupy wallstreet protesters)

Searching for something to post about, I came across these photos I took on campus in May? April?

I remember that day.

I met my daughter in the Michigan League courtyard. She had just recently returned home from her first year of college. The whole summer was before us. The students had just left town for the summer. There were parking spaces to be had. The trees were in excessive bloom. It was a day to pause for a moment on the sidewalk under a petal-raining tree and to breathe and be grateful. I did and I was.

Then we fast forwarded to here and to now.

Do I sound nostalgic? I am a little, but happy for fall. The students are back, with their energy and brilliance and shiny, shiny selves. (Were we ever so shiny? Ah yes, before we had kids…or maybe before we had mortgages. Responsibility is dulling.)

Walking my dog this morning I was excited to see burning orange leaves on mostly green trees. Maybe tomorrow I will remember to bring my camera. Soon I will be pausing to breathe and to be grateful, under a tree raining copper leaves.

I hope you will be too.

settling into fall…

September 15, 2013

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photos:
1) while I was “watching” a movie with my kids, my son was using my ipad to take photos of our puppy resting his chin on my son’s shoulder…I laughed when I saw this one…at least my mouth wasn’t open…
2) my mother’s kitchen floor…my sister and I call her house “the sanctuary”…I feel taken care of there and her floors are always clean.
3) a praying mantis on a window down the hall from my office

A few random photos from the past month. Most of my photos are on my DSL camera, which is not with me today. But since I wanted to get back into posting, here are some random ones that I have with me.

Life has been intense, as life will be this time of year.

I squeezed much into that last week of summer: had a visit from my dear friend Cath, then a spontaneous trip up north with her and my daughter, applied for two jobs and had calls to interview for both, worked to get ready for a new semester at work, engaged in negotiations to get my son’s crazy high school schedule set (he’s taking classes at 3 schools again, including our local community college), and sadly attended a funeral for my dear neighbor’s mom.

And here we are. My kids are back to school, work has picked up and become more intense, the weather had changed to fall, the football season is in full swing in this college town, we celebrated my mother’s birthday last weekend and will celebrate my husband’s tomorrow and I had my two job interviews with the end result that I’m staying put at my current job and am even more grateful for it! More on all of that another time.

As I settle back into this more rigorous, but predictable schedule, I hope to be back to blogging more regularly! xox

what's making me happy 08.23.13: hair, nature, toast and shinola journals

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photos:
1) my daughter’s hair
2) black swallowtail caterpillars on my mother’s parsley
3) a weed going to seed, at gallup park
4) my mother’s honeysuckle
5) zingerman’s pecan raisin bread

The shadows are getting longer in the evenings. The tree frogs and crickets are singing with an almost deafening urgency at night. We are all feeling a little antsy here about the upcoming transition to our fall, and more intense, schedules.

I am feeling wistful about another summer gone; time going faster than ever.

And still, many things are making me happy this week.

Big thing: my little nephew, who has SMA, has been in the hospital with a respiratory infection, but he’s on the mend and is now bossing “his staff” around (the doctors and nurses).

Little things:

1) My daughter’s hair. Actually, that’s a lie. It doesn’t make me happy. It fills me with hair envy.

2) Nature. Caterpillars, flowers, trees, green, fresh air…Happy.

3) Zingerman’s pecan raisin bread. For those who don’t know,
Zingerman’s is an Ann Arbor based deli that has been featured in every food magazine/show in the US, maybe abroad. The owners made a conscious decision not to franchise and to stay local, but they do mail order and deliver bakeries and markets as far away as Chicago. Sorry San Fran, but you have not tasted sourdough until you’ve tasted Zingerman’s sourdough. No lie. I could write a whole post about Zingerman’s bread, but it’s making me too hungry to think about right now.

4) HAIM. I don’t know if it’s the music that makes me happy or the beauty and youth of these sisters…does in matter?

5) Shinola journals.
(they also make lovely bikes and are starting to make watches as well)

6)NYC old photo archives are fascinating…but a time waster (thanks Cath!).
article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2134408/Never-seen-photos-100-years-ago-tell-vivid-story-gritty-New-York-City.html
archive: http://nycma.lunaimaging.com

7) This old Kristen Wiig Confessions of a Tooth Fairy skit was posted on buzzfeed this week– which made me happy because it reminded me of when daughter and her friend did this for a variety show at school. It was a big hit.

8) Saw Woody Allen’s new movie, Blue Jasmine, last night…I feel like I saw it about 20 years ago but it was called A Streetcar Named Desire and it starred Vivien Leigh as Blanche Dubois instead of Cate Blanchett as Jasmine. I did enjoy it. Cate Blanchette and, my favorite, Bobby Cannavale, were wonderful. If you have not seen Bobby Cannavale in the Station Agent (with Peter Dinklage and Patricia Clarkson), or Win Win (with Paul Giamatti and Amy Ryan)…you should.

Here’s wishing you happiness and steadiness, as we transition from summer to fall!

of bonsai and roller derby

August 20, 2013

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photos:
1) my neglected bonsai gingko
2) roller derby sign of support
3) vicious and jax check out the competition
4) shutting out the jammer, kamikaze
5) low fives all around, rochella de ville
6) my, formerly pristine, roller skates from middle school. (yes i had my own. be jealous.)

When I told my mother that my daughter and I had attended a roller derby event last Saturday she was bemused. “Tell me again why you were interested in seeing roller derby?”

This is a woman who had called me to encourage me to enter the bonsai gingko tree that she gave me several years ago in a bonsai show taking place in Ann Arbor this weekend. I laughed, but could have easily replied, “Tell me again why you are interested in bonsai, Mom?”

I’m kidding. I do appreciate bonsai and I admire her interest in it. I love the little gingko tree she gave me, thriving despite my neglect. But the practice of bonsai is not my thing; it’s hers.

All of the reasons I don’t share her interest in bonsai are probably the reasons I enjoyed watching roller derby for the first time— bonsai requires patience, roller derby doesn’t; bonsai is elegant, roller derby is scrappy; bonsai is individual, roller derby is team-based, bonsai is serious, roller derby is full of good humor.

I’m not sure roller derby is “my thing.” I’m not much of a spectator of anything. I did find it fascinating. The names/personas are my favorite part: Vicious, Upzette, Justice Fast, Missy May Knock You Out, Czarcasm, Kimikaze. The faux tough names are as much a part of the show as the ripped tights and tattoos. I have never seen a burlesque show (which, by the way, like roller derby, seems to be moving toward mainstream around here), but I imagine roller derby and burlesque share much of the same campy showmanship.

The big surprise of the night: my 19-year-old daughter loved it and wants to learn to play. She does have skills. She had to learn to roller skate for a play a few years ago, using my nearly pristine white roller skates from middle school. She decided her derby name would be: Princess Slay-ya (a name used in Drew Barrymore’s roller derby movie, Whip it!, filmed right here in Ann Arbor and Detroit).

Why not yoga? Running? Soccer? All of the things I am interested in? I know the answer is…bonsai.

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photos:
1) my brother and his son
2) my dear friend cath
3) my son who does not like me to post photos of him, ever, and who agreed to let me post this because he said i guilt tripped him…i don’t think i did

I looked forward to July with happy anticipation, and enjoyed it so much while it was here…here so briefly…and now it is gone. I feel the same way about my trip to see my brother’s family in Virginia, my son’s 16th birthday, and my visit with my dear friend Cath.

All lovely, and brief and gone.

It sometimes scares me how quickly time passes. It is worse as I age.

Sitting here alone at my dining room table, I am feeling a little down. Two more years with my son. Just two. It makes my heart hurt.

Thank goodness for comic relief from my melancholy thoughts…my neighbor just passed by dragging down the sidewalk her ugliest, creepiest dog ever. It’s such a sorry sight. It always makes me laugh…and SHIVER. Someday I will take a photo of it on the sly and will post it here for you to judge for yourself.

Goodbye sweet July.

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08.03.13 whats making me happy this week

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photos:
1. first tomatoes
2. photo my daughter used for a screen saver…on my unsuspecting husband’s laptop.
3. finnegan cuddling up with our smelly shoes
4. my sister’s handwritten (love) recipe and the last of her bean and rice salad
5. cornflake marshmallow cookies
6. hibiscus
7. mid century library staircase
8. dr. who phonebox cake

What a week! Home from a trip to visit my brother’s family in Virginia, my son’s 16th birthday and too short visit from my dear friend Cathy. In addition to all of that BIG happiness, here are some little things that are making me happy thing week:

1. Our first tomatoes from our garden make me happy!

2. My daughter, who makes me laugh a lot, makes me happy. (Also we fight a lot.) You can see (above) the kind of desktop photos she puts on any unattended laptops when she has the chance. She was recently sitting across from me as we both “worked” on our laptops. She laughed aloud and said ‘This meme reminds me of you.‘I tried to login to my iPad, turns out it was an etch a sketch and I don’t even own an iPad, also, I’m out of wine.’”
Do you think I’m a good role model?

3. My puppy. He likes to sleep among shoes. I think because they smell like us. Lucky for him, my family provides ample opportunity for him to sleep among smelly shoes!

4. Summer salads. I love them for their use of produce, freshness and mix of flavors. Three of our staples include my sister’s bean and rice salad pictured above, Giada De Laurentiis’ Mediterranean Farro Salad and this panzenlla salad.

I also tried this tomato and watermelon salad from shutterbean.com and it was like eating a big bowl of summer!

5. Speaking of shutterban recipes…tracy’s Cornflake Marshmallow Cookies are pretty amazing. In fact they are too amazing. It will be awhile before I can make these again because they are so darn good, both baked and raw! I made one batch one night and then immediately had to make another the next day and then I had to make myself stop. So, so yummy.

6.The hibiscus are finally blooming in this part of the world.

7. Libraries make me happy, particularly this mid-century modern one pictured above, where I spend my time when my son volunteers at a zoo about an hour away from our house.

8. Comedian Jim Gaffigan. We just saw him at Meadowbrook Theater, near my mother’s house. He has two stand up specials on Nextflix and just published a book called, “Dad is Fat.”

9. The Dr. Who phone box cake above that my daughter made for her friend who loves Dr. Who.

When my daughter delivered it, her friend’s 11 year old brother, who loves my daughter, asked her, “Wanna look at baby animal pictures with me?” Yep. That’s how we grow our men in Ann Arbor. Love.

10. And speaking of growing men. I am excited by this new project by Jennifer Siebel The Mask You Live In, about the very restrictive and destructive models of manhood that our society presents to our sons. If you haven’t seen Jen Siebel’s Miss Representation, about girls in the media, please see it. It’s not just for women, or parents of daughters. We showed this on our campus last year to a large crowd of male and female students and there was clapping and cheering at the end by all genders. See it. Please. It has a hopeful ending!

11. These capri yoga/active wear pants my sister sent to me. At first I thought they were Lulu Lemon, because my sis is all about Lulu Lemon and because they were so quality…but no, they are from Old Navy! = affordable! I love them. She says they are her favs.

12. Something about the song Royales by Lordes makes me happy…it’s a great workout jam. Turn it up…even louder. I know I will be sick of it in a month…

13. Also this song, We Are Flowers sung by Eef Barzelay from the band Clem Snide).

14. It makes me happy when a story stops me in my tracks, transports me, and then haunts me for days after, as happened when I heard Ron Rush read his short story, “Something Rich and Strange,” from his collection of short stories Nothing Gold Can Stay.

Happy week to you! Watch Jim Gaffigan on Netflix, he will make you laugh!

discordant and antsy

July 21, 2013

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photos:
1) size 11 watershoes left on the patio
2) the cottage, looking in from the front porch
3) the cottage, inside looking out onto the porch where the men are playing a game over breakfast
4) the cottage, doggy doorstop
5) a stealth photo of my son cuddling finny as we watch television in the basement
6) too many days of this weather
7) finnegan finally gets a properly-sized pool

This summer has felt…discordant…just off in some ways. Parenting teenagers has been tricky. Schedules are feeling like tectonic plates grinding against each other. My expectations for everything I will get done in the summer are always too high and unrealistic. In fact, it feels like I am able to get less done during the summer because schedules and needs are unpredictable. And I am antsy for a new direction, one that involves creativity.

Today I am home alone. My husband and daughter are up north at my husband’s family cottage. My son is working all day. So I will try to make progress on a long list of tasks.

Hope your summer is feeling more settled than mine and that you are not, like me, feeling a little panicky about August lurking around the corner…

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I credit the British ready-to-wear brand Boden, with luring me out of the dark. Truly. I spent most of my adult life wearing mostly black, every day.

My sister was in the same rut. She realized it was a problem when she and her 2 year old daughter were lounging in their pajamas one morning until my sister finally said, “Time to get dressed!” and her daughter replied, “Yes, time to put on your black clothes, Mommy!”

Haha. Yes, my niece is brilliant. She doesn’t miss a thing.

Somehow I stumbled across Boden a few years ago and I’m hooked. Color, pattern, style, quality and detail. Sometimes items don’t work, no matter how badly I want them to, but return shipping is completely free, and there is great feedback from buyers to help you decide on a purchase and a fit before purchasing (something that, annoyingly, J. Crew does not provide on its web site).

I receive compliments on most every item of Boden clothing I wear. I am not exaggerating. I was once getting out of my car and a woman walking her dog yelled across the street to me, “I love your skirt!” Even something as simple as an emerald green cardigan gets compliments.

I always thank those giving the compliments and tell them about Boden. Few have heard of it. This is a fairly small town, but not THAT small…David Byrne was just in town performing for heaven’s sake. But it is not the most fashion conscious town, which I actually like. It gives a girl a lot of flexibility.

I shop for Boden online because I hate shopping in person, but I know Nordstrom’s carries Boden. I don’t know about any other US stores.

They also have the great kids clothes under the brand of mini boden.

Boden is pricey for my income…I’m putting a child through college and another one is soon to follow. But I do try to get a few items each season, which I wear over and over again. If you join their email list, you can get promotional pricing. I just bought two tops at 25% plus free shipping.

This is one of the tops. I love the color and pattern and neckline, but the fit was odd. And I’m not crazy about the fabric. Stiff, thin cotton. I’m returning it (for free) and trying it in a smaller size to see if it remedies the fit issue. I wish it was a knit fabric, but I just love the color so I’m willing to try again.

This top I am keeping. I love it for it’s cut and comfort and funky colors. I may get another in a different color.

I am now lusting over the Boden autumn collection and thinking perhaps college for my children is unnecessary…KIDDING!…mostly.

(Boden is NOT compensating me in any way for my praise—though I so wish they would…in clothing!)

Do you have brand that you love for style, quality, uniqueness? Please enlighten this small town girl!

summer

July 10, 2013

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photos
1) walking to the parade we passed this kitty on 5th street. she is often there, ruling the street.
2 – 6) parade photos. i love the mom carrying her child, and her homemade sign of protest against corporations and i love the dads carrying the sweetest homemade sign, on a sheet.
i love homemade, and people who care, and people who get involved…even the beer-bellied tea party guy wearing cammo. my political antithesis. but he’s there. he’s involved. gotta have at least the tiniest amount of respect for that.
7) my new friend julien, the lost and found and returned dog

It has been many weeks since I have last blogged. I run summer programs through my job and during those weeks I often work 13 hour days, say hello to my family, go to bed and start again.

The more intense programs have finally ended and my summer has finally begun. Hooray!

I did not get enough evenings at the Ann Arbor Summer Festival, which takes place for 3 weeks every summer, beginning the night schools gets out. The Summer Festival includes hours and hours of outdoor live music and entertainment followed by either a DJ with people dancing in the street until midnight, or a movie on an inflatable screen. There are food stalls and beer and wine. Everyone is there.

I did manage to meet friends there a couple of times for drinks after work and my husband and I went to one of the ticked shows at the Power Center—Snap Judgement. Which is an amazing storytelling show on National Public Radio. (I make dinner while listening to the podcast.) The live performance was fantastic. Afterward we mulled around the Summer Festival and saw this attraction from Spain:

It was SO COOL. If I hadn’t been so tired, I would have stood in line to “fly” on our beautiful Burton bell tower.

We also attended the Ann Arbor July 4th parade. If you ever want to learn about a community’s values, attend their 4th of July parade. In Ann Arbor, this is not a fancy parade. In our town this is a very homey event—there is a place for everyone. This year was particularly entertaining.

There were the usual group: politicians, nursery schools, parents of multiples (a group for parents with twins, triplets etc. they are in the parade every year), the Ring of Steel stunt group (9 adults enacting scenes from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Every. Year.)

But this year there were roller derby girls, star wars characters, the ukulele club, a group of pugs (it was so hot I felt sorry for them), the 5 guys from the Tea Party, followed by a giant group supporting the ACLU…There’s a place for everyone here!

My daughter and our neighbor worked at the Summer Festival on the 4th, and I picked them up to drive them home just after midnight. When I pulled into our neighbor’s driveway, we saw a dog running down the street. He heard our voices and ran to us and jumped in the back of my car and laid down, tail thumping on the seat in appreciation. Poor guy. He must have been frightened by all of the fireworks and ran away from home.

That turned out to be a longer rescue mission than I had anticipated, as the owner was out of town with a dead cell phone (the phone number on the tag). Her 19 year old son was “taking care” of the dog. The dog spent the night in my bedroom. He was very nervous and so was I. He seemed like a sweet dog, but who knows…Finally made a hand off to the owner’s older son at 11am the next morning.

And now for some time at the lake and for the Ann Arbor Art Fair and the Townie party that proceeds it. A visit to my brother and his family in Virginia and a family trip in August– destination yet unknown! (and work, and housekeeping and yard work…)

I hope your summer has been full of good weather, friends and relaxation. If it hasn’t been, then hugs to you. Truly.